Salam, readers 🙂

May I return to the beginning
The light is dimming, and the dream is too
The world and I, we are still waiting
Still hesitating
Any dream will do

(any dream will do, one of my fave songs)

I am here starting  another writing (not thesis writing, it’s over a couple days ago, though i still have to preparing my defense on this thursday). May i return to the beginning?  Just to recall my memory of what i’ve been through to get here, to be here 🙂

2004, one cold afternoon in Sukabumi, i was a fresh graduate and unemployed. I spent most of the day with books, TV and talking with Bik Oneng while she’s busy cleaning the house or cooking. Well, my first walk in interview in Jakarta was success but then i knew I didn’t like it. It was so “so so”. So, i just left! In that very boring period of my life, i read on the newspaper about studying in Netherland. I read the term and conditions, working experience (didn’t have yet), minimum TOEFL (never had any test yet), etc. Despite all of the term and condition i could not fullfil, i started having this dream! I dreamed studying in Netherland! I joined the biggest scholarship mailing list, applied to TOEFL preparation class, being nice at office in order to get exit permit hehe 😀 I started getting  everything prepared 🙂

Maybe that was not the very beginning of the dream. I had my other version :-p I think i already started dreaming of it since i was in kindergarten or elementary school. I drew a lot of picture of a bread-look-house with chimney (with broken wall sometimes! what can i say? I like to make things to look more dramatic haha), tulips (i did not know that was tulip, i only drew three petals in every flower), mushroom, and pine.

Do you recognize that sometimes we’re having a glimpse of our future without knowing it and sometimes dreams do come true ? I do ! Looking back through the years,  i say i do 🙂 See how i wanted to be a radio announcer when i was still in junior high school (don’t laugh, that was my teenager dream :-p) , and then i made it after yearsssss! though it’s not really like a real announcer, but my voice was on air , and in an interactive English program pulaa! biarin aja bad English & ngaco, yg nelponin juga pada ngaco dan lucu kok hehe 🙂 

winter time, Erasmus

Studying in Europe was only a dream for me. First, it is very expensive, very very very expensive! At least for me, I could not afford it. Not to ask my parents to finance me, even my Mom and Dad had to queue to get back to the university! My Dad had to wait untill i graduated, and my Mom had to wait untill me, my Dad, my sister and my brother graduated 🙂 *I love you even more, Mama!* I am a civil servant who work for local government and have been working for almost..uhmmm.. 7 years now? So, i guess everyone now how much i earn. My monthly earning is not even enough to pay one month rent of this student flat :-p

I had a funny story about this, about my job. I had a conversation with my friend, AN, when we’re waiting for the tram to the Mosque. We talked about Dutch, Qur’an recitation and our jobs and I was about burst to laugh when he said “oh so, kamu pegawai kerajaan ?” 😀 Well, maybe in his country civil servants deserve to be called “pegawai kerajaan” and deserve privilege like Royal relatives. I do hear that civil servants in other countries get very well paid. Well, in my country too, civil servant in some departments get very well paid, bonus, etc. But i don’t, i earn enough 🙂 Praise the Lord, though I do not earn that much (my monthly bonus is about 5 euro haha), i can finance myself, eat good food, pay my mortgage, regularly fly back home in peak season when it costs me everything (what? my hometown is the favorite destination for Eid holiday, that’s explain) and come back to Sukabumi with saving account almost zero 😀 So tell me what makes studying in Europe would remain a dream but a scholarship?

Owkay, second! I am not that smart and my English is just so so. I failed ITB twice ! I wanted to study architecture but my grade was not enough to get accepted in that university. I was accepted in another university and learned civil engineering instead. Do you know that once my GPA was one point something? haha 😀 I was about to kicked out from university on my first year studying civil engineering. Failed in almost every subject! English? My first TOEFL score was four hundred something. I took TOEFL preparation class for two or three months before i had another TOEFL. I remember i was so freaking stress after i had the test. I could not remember where my uncle parked his car. I could not remember where he was waiting for me. I went out from the test room and suddenly i found myself on the main street, disoriented! I had to call my uncle then 😀 Still, in Jogja i had to improved my English, another english for academic purpose class, and then another TOEFL. It was funny when i had my internet based TOEFL 😀 Kinda weird talk to a machine and your score depends on it :-p Even when i’m here, i had to attend english class in the afternoon during winter time. Really, nobody wanted to be in that class, especially when you had to fight the cold  (though snow rain was beautiful) and walked like a big fat pinguin covered with boot and layers of cloth. Nights came soon during winter time, cold and freezing, you would only want to be in your warm room 🙂

Third! Look who you are, lady! I mean.. huaa susah niy klo ng-english! maksudnya, sapa aku berani-berani nya mimpi sekolah ke Eropa? Pfuuhhh ngerti kan sekarang ? hehehe 😀 Well, i spent my childhood in a small city Padang Panjang before we moved to Padang. I went to two different elementary schools, the first one was “SD Inpres” or simply says not a prestigious school. Though we moved to Padang, we live in suburb area (but it is near to Andalas University). My family is not that rich. My mom & dad are teacher, they built their family from zero to hero (ergghh? 😀 ). I have three siblings, to whom i have to share rights and responsibilities, and also priorities. We are not those children whose parents will say “your wish is my command, sweethearts”. Nope. We are “allright kids, you’ll get this if you succes on that” and “honey, this is important for your sibling. will you wait, please? we’ll get it for you if we had money 🙂 “.  My grandparents are farmers, going overseas in their toughts was just pilgrim to Mekkah, simply. It was funny when i told my grandpa that i’m going to Netherland. Shocked, he said “hah? ka balando tu, dear? manjajah awak inyo dulu! gaek dulu parang malawan inyo. indak ka pai gaek ka situ doh!“. In english “what? to Netherland, dear? they colonized us! i fought against them, i won’t go to that country! hehehe 😀 My grandpa! But then he is always excited listening to my story about Netherland, about European countries i’ve visited. He used to have me on skype before he went to Mesjid. Maybe he has to adjust his prayer for me after skype-ing, for example if i told him “Gaek, i love staying in Netherland”, he would pray “Dear Allah, don’t let my grand daughter get a Dutch husband! She has to come back home Indonesia! amin”. ehhhhh ?? 😀

2004-2010, see how many years needed to make a dream coming true? Not to mention efforts 🙂

Chasing the opportunity to study in Europe, chasing the scholarship, feels like chasing the rainbow. I am surprised by my own patience and determination !  Yet, i can not deny that my determination was a little bit depleting during these last few months for no reason 🙂 My grades, my spirit (except cooking spirit :-p ), and my determination are all going down 😦 It feels like i just want to end it up very soon and run home! Anyway, one more step! Defense my thesis, graduation and come back home!

So, dear readers, may i ask you a favor? Pray for me, for tomorrow is my final thesis defense 🙂

Salam 🙂